Ask the Zen Master

Dear Zen Master,

I’m going on vacation with a bunch of friends and one girl seems to be struggling with compromises to the group.  She wants to leave later than the rest of us, we would be forced to take a detour to her parents’ home so she can drop off her dear cat for the weekend and she wants us to cut the weekend short so she can get back early for other plans and her cat.  There are six people going, she is the only one with these stipulations.  What should we do?

-Stranded in Madison



Being someone who “likes things the way I like them” I would be fibbing if I said everyone should be fine with going with the flow.  I’m not a “go with the flow” type of person.  I’m also not delusional.  Expecting everyone in the world to bend around your life and then refusing to bend for anyone else is just not logical.  I understand this, which is probably why I vacation best alone or with a small group of people I’m close to.  Bottom line, next time you want a stress free weekend away, you should look elsewhere for a travel companion.  And don’t feel guilty.  Understanding that you don’t travel well together helps you both not waste you precious time off. 
 

Dear Zen Master,

Do you have any New Year’s Resolutions?

Sincerely,
Looking forward to ‘09


Do you remember when John Lennon sang “I don’t believe in Beatles, I just believe in me”?  That

’s how I feel about resolutions.  I don’t believe in them at all, you shouldn't either, and here's why.  No one ever completely does what they set out to do, and then they feel bad about themselves, and that means low self-esteem, which means the world is a little bit worse off.  My suggestion: Be like John Lennon, believe in yourself, not the New Year’s Resolution machine.  He was the walrus after all. 

Dear Zen Master,

My brother and my sister always ruin our big family holiday meals with their fighting.  Thanksgiving's at my house this year--is there anything I can do to insure a peaceful gathering?

Let me tell you from experience that the short answer to this is NO, because guess what…you can’t control your idiot siblings any more than you can control the outcome of a Badger game or how clogged the Beltline is going to be tonight when you go home.  Maybe you are the only sane person at your Thanksgiving shindig.  In that case we would have something else in common.  Wanna know why I go to big family Thanksgivings?  It is hands down the best meal of the year, and all the tryptophan makes me so tired that I pass out an hour later from the turkey and I don’t have to listen to my crazy uncles yell at football or play Barbies with whatever child happens to be there. 

So sit back, enjoy the food and the sideshow, and be thankful it doesn’t happen every Thursday of the year. 

Dear Zen Master,
My husband is a chatterbox. He talks non-stop, and even talks to himself. How to I get some peace and quiet without hurting his feelings?
Signed,
All talked out

Chatterboxes are the WORST.  I have friends I refuse to go to movies with because they insist on talking through the movie, or even worse talking at  the movie screen.  All I want is arrive promptly so I can watch all the previews, eat my popcorn and sit in peace.  Is that too much to ask?  The key to this is that I ‘refuse’ to be around them in certain situations.  Does that make me kind of a bad friend?  Maybe, but I’m never the person you “SHHHHHHHHHHHH” 5 rows away in the theater.  This strategy probably doesn’t work with someone you are legally bound to. 

You could try that shadow game that kids play.  When he starts in on his chattering, act like a mirror and blab back to him right away until he gets the message.  It is childish, but may work.  If all else fails, I learned very early in life that men seldom enjoy it when someone is talking during a sporting event they are trying to watch.  Sit down, relax and chat with him during the next Packer game.  When he politely tells you to ‘shut up’ mention to him that this is how you feel when he’s talking in the middle of Project Runway. 

Dear Zen Master -
I've got a big birthday coming up...and feeling it.

-Desperately resisting the big 4-0.

It’s been said that you are only as old as you feel; well sometimes you are going to feel old, because you are old.  Now you may also feel younger at times, like when you’re standing next to your father or Betty White.  It can go either way.

You could take your cue from Cher.  She’s certainly tried to turn back time via the miracles of modern technology.  If you ask me all she got was a face pulled and tucked enough to make any ensemble she wears look normal compared to her creepy frozen-doll face.  Personally, I recommend embracing your years.  Denying them not only makes you a fibber and the truth is most people could probably guess your age within a decade either way.  Wasting your cash on surgery that most likely will make you look as if you’ve just had surgery doesn’t make you look younger; it makes you look like you’re in denial or auditioning for Desperate Housewives. 

Dear Zen Master,
My neighbor is driving me crazy. We live in a very nice neighborhood, but he doesn't seem to care about the appearance of his yard. There are weeds everywhere, especially along the side of his house. When he mows the lawn, he cuts it really short, which allows the weeds to go grow like mad. Should I confront my neighbor?

It is an inherent Midwestern trait that you are attached to your yard as if it was your child.  You groom it you bathe it you dress it up for special occasions, because it is part of the family right?  Those leaves are probably all raked up or driving you nuts as you are reading this.  That’s fine.  It’s a healthy obsession I suppose, though I draw the line at obsessing over a lawn that isn’t yours. 

It’s kind of like judging the little kid with uncombed hair and a stain on his shirt.  Is it a shame that he isn’t better kept?  Yes.  Does it bring a small tear to your eye?  Maybe.  Can you control that kid?  No. 

The leaves might whirl around in the snow, the grass might resemble the Great Plains, and you might have to look at Christmas lights all year round.  Take hope…at least your kid looks great compared to the kid it’s next to.  

Hey Zen Master,

If pandas are from mountainous areas of China and Tibet, how come they eat bamboo, which is prone to grow only in drier, more arid regions?!

Global warming.  Ask Al Gore. 

Dear Zen Master,
I know Madison doesn't have terrible traffic problems…at least compared to other cities…but it seems like all the stupidest drivers must go the same way I do to work!  I get so angry when they cut me off or drive so slow that I can't take it. I shout loudly and sometimes even make rude gestures. What can I do to calm myself down and not go into "road rage" territory?

You are correct to assess that Madison is not even close to the worst city in the nation as far as traffic is concerned.  Ever drive downtown Chicago during rush hour?  How about trying to get anywhere in Los Angeles without someone with you so you can use the carpool lane?  Would you like to tackle NYC when there’s one or two roads shut down, creating a traffic jam everywhere else?  I didn’t think so.

I believe 9 times out of 10 our rage is weather or construction related.  Driving downtown from the far west side of Madison during rush hour, when students are going to class and busses are in full swing and there is snow on the ground and they are blocking traffic for whatever new project is being worked on is enough to make anyone have a little rage.  I swear that the second a drop of rain or flake of snow hits the ground people forget all the rules of the road.  Feel free to blame Mother Nature.  We blame her for everything else around here anyway. 

Keep this in mind for those other times when people are just plain rude or driving in their own world: at least here when they cut you off, sometimes they’ll give you a wave or a smile, like you wanted them to barge in front of you.  Don’t get me wrong, I still have rage, but it’s suppressed by how funny it is when someone is completely offensive and then turns around and is as polite as can be. 

Dear Zen Master,

I just got out of a long, serious relationship so now I’m just starting to get out there and casually date again.  However, now one of the guys I’m dating is starting to fall for me more seriously.  How do I let him know that I do not want to be exclusive with him?

In my world this is a non-problem.  Is he nice?  Does he treat you well?  Is he self sufficient?  Does he make you laugh?  Is he interesting?  Are you at all in the least bit attracted to him?  If you answer ‘yes’ to these questions then calm down and enjoy yourself.  He doesn’t have any ring yet.  Unless he’s specifically talked about exclusivity your safe bet is that he’s not being exclusive either, especially if he’s under the age of 95. 

Then again maybe you shouldn’t go by me on this one.   Lately my Friday nights consist of whatever my DVR recorded for me and whatever is still edible in my refrigerator (not that I’m bitter). 

Dear Zen Master,

I currently share an office with a co-worker.  I get along with him just fine except for one issue.  Lighting!  I like lamps and he likes fluorescent lighting.  Ugh!  What can we do to achieve balance in our work space?

Sincerely,
Wearing My Shades In The Office

Fluorescent lighting doesn’t do anyone any favors.  You must get rid of it.  I never understood why it ends up in dressing rooms.  Don’t they want me to look outstanding so I’ll buy what I try on? 

Either go with the lamps, or do what they do in my office…don’t use any lighting at all.  People wander into the conference room and have a meeting with no lights on.  I guess it does save on energy, but it creeps me out a little.

Dear Zen Master:

My husband left me for my friend. I can't decide whose life I want to ruin first. What do you suggest?

There are so many options.  My first thought is to get “Dog” the Bounty Hunter to track them down and give them a much deserved talk about how they’ve been wrong and they should change their lives around.  It would also create awesome entertainment for us all. There is nothing more satisfying that a good dose of public humiliation.  Is that show still on?  I digress….

You could also take the Ivana Trump route…Don’t get mad, get everything. 

Dear Zen Master:
The final question at the last Presidential debate was, "what don't you know, and how will you learn it?" Barack Obama's response was, and I'm paraphrasing here, "well, just ask my wife Michelle. She tells me what I don't know all the time."

I laughed out loud recognizing that I would have offered the exact same answer. While laughing I looked at my wife sitting next to me, asking her if she thought that was as funny as I did.

Her stone-faced non-response said it all.

Why wasn't that funny to her, too, Zen master?

Signed,
The Family Guy

Attempted comedy from political figures always makes me uncomfortable.  I want to tell them to cut it out and leave it to people who I actually want to laugh at.  In case they don’t realize, given the last 8 years, being President is a serious job.  Cracking wise doesn’t make you ‘folksy’ or ‘Joe six-pack’, it makes you look like your doing 10 minutes at an open mic night.  Politics is not showbiz for ugly people; actual stuff has to be accomplished.

It’s safe to say that there are truths in every marriage that shouldn’t be spoken.  Maybe your wife tells you that you don’t know anything, because you actually don’t.  In any case, you’re not winning any points by bringing it up in front of her, sharing it at the dinner party you just had, or telling millions of people.

Dear Zen Master,
How do you deal with co-workers who spend their time with you checking their e-mail or Blackberry and continually taking calls and texts on their cell phone? Often they are your bosses, so it is tricky to ask them to stop. Any thoughts on this?


First of all, the term ‘crackberry’ came about for a reason.  Maybe your boss is addicted to his Blackberry, and simply cannot put it down.  There are support groups for this.  This is an extreme case. 

Have you ever thought that maybe it’s not him, it’s you?  Maybe you are boring; maybe he can’t stay awake while talking to you unless he has someone to text or something to read.

Maybe it’s neither, but you could always solve the problem the way my 5th grade teacher did when she found someone wasn’t paying attention to her.  Throw something at him.  She threw chalk and erasers.  You could update this and throw a white board marker or your very own Blackberry.  Chances are you’re checking yours too much too.  

Dear Zen Master,

My brother and my sister always ruin our big family holiday meals with their fighting.  Thanksgiving's at my house this year--is there anything I can do to insure a peaceful gathering?

Let me tell you from experience that the short answer to this is NO, because guess what…you can’t control your idiot siblings any more than you can control the outcome of a Badger game or how clogged the Beltline is going to be tonight when you go home.  Maybe you are the only sane person at your Thanksgiving shindig.  In that case we would have something else in common.  Wanna know why I go to big family Thanksgivings?  It is hands down the best meal of the year, and all the tryptophan makes me so tired that I pass out an hour later from the turkey and I don’t have to listen to my crazy uncles yell at football or play Barbies with whatever child happens to be there. 

So sit back, enjoy the food and the sideshow, and be thankful it doesn’t happen every Thursday of the year.