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Blending Families

 

Step parenting tips to live by.



While parents are likely to approach remarriage and a new blended family with great joy and expectation, your kids or your new spouse’s kids may feel left out of your choice and uncertain about the change. What will the new person in their life mean to them? What will their new step-siblings be like? How will their relationship with their biological parents change?

As your family expands there are some things you should keep in mind.  Be realistic.  Things won’t be perfect overnight, but that doesn’t mean you should give up trying. Be patient.  Good relationships take time, this includes those with children.  Limit your expectations.  Know that you will probably give a lot of time, energy, love and affection that will not be returned immediately. Think of it as making small investments that may one day yield a lot of interest, but don’t expect anything in return for now.


Although you love your new partner, you may not automatically love his children, and they may not automatically love you. It takes time for people to establish positive, trusting relationships and to develop a family history.   Age, gender and personality are not irrelevant, but all children have some basic needs and wants that should be met as a precursor to a great relationship.

 Security and safety should be a main priority.  Children want to be able to count on their parents. Children of divorce have already felt the upset of having people let them down, and may not be eager to give second chances to their parents or stepparents.  Kids need to be seen, valued and loved.  Kids often feel unimportant or invisible when it comes to decision making in the new blended family. Recognize their integral role in the family when you are making decisions.  They like to see and feel your affection, but it should be a gradual process on their terms.  Don’t forget to appreciate and encourage.  Children of all ages respond to praise and encouragement and like to feel appreciated for their contribution.  Limits and boundaries are also important.  Children may not think they need limits, but a lack of boundaries sends a signal that the child is unworthy of the parents’ time, care and attention. As a new stepparent, you shouldn’t step in as the enforcer at first, but work with your spouse to set limits.

Kids of different ages and genders will adjust differently. The physical and emotional needs of a 2 year old girl are different than that of a 13 year old boy, but don’t mistake differences in development and age for differences in fundamental needs.  Just because a teenager may take a long time accepting your love and affection doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want it. You will need to adjust your approach with different age levels and genders, but your goal of establishing a trusting relationship is the same. 

An important part of building trust in a family has to do with discipline. Couples should discuss the role each stepparent will play in raising their respective children, as well as changes in household rules.   Try to establish the stepparent as as more of a friend or counselor rather than a disciplinarian.  Let the biological (custodial) parent remain primarily responsible for discipline until the stepparent has developed solid bonds with the kids.  Create a list of family rules and discuss them together as a family.  This may diminish custodial parent-stepparent-stepchild tension.   As you merge two families, differences in parenting, discipline, lifestyle, etc. may become more pronounced and can become a source of frustration for the children. Make it a priority to have some unity when it comes to household living, including things like rules, chores, discipline, and allowance. Agreeing on some consistent guidelines and strategies will show the kids that you and your spouse intend to deal with issues in a similar way. This should diminish some feelings of unfairness.


Try to keep communication open and clear, it says a lot about the level of trust within the family.  When communication is clear, open and frequent, there are fewer opportunities for misunderstanding and more possibilities for connection whether it is between parent and child, stepparent and stepchild or stepsiblings.  Uncertainty and worry about family issues often comes from poor communication.  Kids like to know what to expect.  Remember that feeling comfortable and close to anyone takes time.  Keep an open mind, try not to let the little things get in the way of the big picture of your family’s future. 

Source: helpguide.org